I cleaned and I cried

Summer is hard.  I miss my dad.  Many years ago when my parents moved to Vista they were looking for a house to buy.  The reason why they settled on the one they have lived in for the last 40 years is it had a pool.  Dad took one look at the pool and said “this is the house”.  So I have always grown up with a pool.  Summers consisted of playing in the pool while my dad would sit by and read.  When he got hot he would jump in and shoot some hoops.  He loved that pool.  

The other day I went to my parents house to clean the pool a bit in preparation for summer.  It was a mess.  I worked for a few hours skimming the bugs out and sweeping the bottom.  It’s definitely not up to my dad’s standard but it will do for now.  As I stood there pulling a giant bug out of the pool I broke down in tears.  It was such a beautiful day.  A day my dad would have loved.  If he were alive he would have said it was a perfect day to sit by the pool.  I cried cuz I missed him on that gorgeous day.  I cried because my kids will never get to play basketball with him.  I cried because the pool hasn't be as clean since he has been gone.  I cried for oh so many reasons.  

After I had a good cry I pulled myself together.  You see dad wouldn't have wanted me to cry.  He would want me and my family to enjoy the pool.  It’s a happy place.  It’s a place where we laugh and joke, where we challenge each other to races or basketball.  It’s a place that has always brought us together.  So I shouldn’t be sad.  I should try and honor my dad by making more memories there.  And I know that when we are in the pool playing dad is always watching us and smiling

.   

What's been going on...

Life has gotten a bit crazy.  I know I said I would be better about writing but obviously I have not been.  So what has been going on in my life...

 

Beatrice is now a crawling machine and getting into everything.  James used binkies so he never put too much in his mouth.  Bea on the other had puts everything in her mouth.  If it’s not nailed down she needs to eat it.  Her current favorites are paper, fake cookies from one of James toys, mommy’s hair and any piece of dust she finds on the ground.  The other day I had to wrestle a suction cup off her tongue because she was gagging.  So yeah it’s been tons of fun living in a constant state of “What’s in your mouth?”

 

James has hit the terrible twos.  He throws a fit at almost everything now.  No you can’t have a 4^th popsicle…tears.  You need to keep your clothes on when we have company…tears.  You want to watch your Dragon movie…tear.  Bath time is over…tears.  There is a plum (which you devoured at the farmers market) on your plate…tears.  It seems there is not a lot I can do that makes that kid happy right now.  And lately it has been all me (Chris has been working a lot) so I think he is totally over it.  And to be honest there are days I am over it too.

 

My husband Chris has been working a lot.  Financially it is wonderful for us.  Good money coming in and bills being paid.  But the one drawback is that he is gone a lot.  This week he is gone all week to Huntington Beach, he was there a week and a half ago too.  Plus when he is home and working there are many times he is on for 10 hours.  So the last month or so he has been gone a lot.  I feel like I know what military wives must feel like.  The bummer part is I’m not a military wife so I didn’t see all this traveling coming.  But I try my best to be good about it and take care of things while he is gone because realistically if that what it takes for us to be secure that’s what we need to do.  But I do miss him a lot and I know the kids do to.  We video chatted the other day and James got upset because he thought Chris was in the Ipad. 

Our house keeps getting invaded by ant!! I mean really.  In the carpet, all over the kitchen, in the bathroom, you name they attack it.  I’m getting real tired of picking stray ants off myself and my kid.  Boo.

 

I’m in the process of purging things from my house.  In the last few years my life has changed dramatically.  Because of that I think my priorities have really changed too.  Gone are the days that I would buy DVD’s and books because they looked interesting.  Now I’m trying to find places to put toys.  It’s not a bad change, just a change.  Realizing what is really important to me and it’s not a lot of the crap I have collected over the years.

 

So yeah.  That’s my life right now.  It may sound like a bunch of negative but really it’s a pretty good life.  I’m happy and other than melt downs now and again the kids seem happy.  We have a roof over our heads, food on the table and lots of love to go around.  So I really can’t complain…too much

 

 

Money makes the world...

Many years ago I was in the show Cabaret; in that show there is a big number called “Money”.  The Emcee sings about how money makes the world go round and that everyone would rather have it than be poor.  I have always thought that that statement rings true.  Unfortunately since having kids I find that the idea of the song hits me a lot harder than before.  Don’t get me wrong my family is not poor and living on the streets but we do live paycheck to paycheck.  I work a 9 to 5 and make a decent living and my husband works freelance.  We scrimp and save and put every penny to bills.  There are days that we splurge but inevitably I feel guilty after.  The other night my husband and I went out for a much needed adult night.  We met some friends at a local restaurant.  We had a great evening and by all accounts didn’t spend that much, about $60 between the two of us.  It was time that we needed to reconnect with our friends and have a night away from the kids.  Now in hindsight I feel so guilty about it.  We spend money that could have gone to rent, car payments or any number of bills we have during the month.  But no, I chose to selfishly spend it on myself for a night out.  What kind of mother does that make me?  Part of me says a bad one.  I used that money for my own pleasure when it could have been better spent.  Then again part of me says don’t beat yourself up.  A good mother knows when she needs some time away to recharge.  A good mother realizes that she needs a night out once in a while.  So which am I? Good or bad? Does it really matter in the end?  Why do I have to judge myself for taking a little me time?  It didn’t kill us and we are still living paycheck to paycheck.  So we put it on the credit card and hope that Chris gets a big paying job.  Is it crazy? Maybe.  But it’s also self preservation.

 

My dad...

I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s the time of year or maybe it’s just because I miss him. It dawned on me that I never said anything at his funeral.  It was a surreal time.  Even tho we knew it was coming and that the outcome of his illness was never going to be good it still seemed odd.  I always thought that I would stand at his funeral and old lady with my children not a 30 year old pregnant with my first child.  I do feel that that day was an outpouring of love from everyone whose lives that he touched.  It was a walk down memory lane.  There were people from my childhood, family, friends and people who I had heard stories about.  All of them gathered in one place to celebrate the man who was my father.  I can’t ever remember a funeral or memorial service like it.  It will always be the day southern California went dark (I think in honor of my dad not because of a major power outage).  With that being said I suddenly feel the need to write down what I did not say that day.

My father

What can I say about Jim Porter?  How does one describe such a full life?  Before my dad passed away I once asked him if he was scared or if there was anything left he wanted to do. His answer changed my life.  He said “Would I like more time, of course.  But I can’t complain about the time that I have had. I had a career that I loved, a great family; I’ve been to Europe a number of times as well as spring training.  I have traveled all over the US and Canada.  Plus I have spent most summers reading on the beach in Mexico.  I would love more time, sure but the time that I have had has been good.”  Those words stunned me because they were so true and it was such a great way to look at things.  I think of my childhood when recalling what he said.  Every summer we would go to Puerto Vallarta and he would bring a ton of books.  He would sit by the pool and read while I swam.  On a number of occasions I would sit next to him and read as well, just enjoying the time.  I think of when he retired and bought the white VW as he got it ready for his trip he would fill me in on all the things he had done to it and his plans for his trek across the US.  I remember he spent quite some time on the stereo because as we all know that and trunk size are the most important things about a car.  When my dad was around there was always music playing.  In the garage he had his records and later the 4 large cd cases that contained all of his favorites.  He always had a new song to play for you or a suggestion about an artist.  I think both my sisters and I inherited our love of music from my dad.  Another thing I know I inherited was the propensity to change the words to song especially if I can put in someone’s name.  “Don’t cry for me Mandy Porter” was always a favorite.  And as I have gotten older I figured out  you can put any name into that song (dad obviously had clued in long before me to that fact).  My childhood was spent at every park in the city.  I was always told we could go for ice cream but there was always a stop.  One particular time that sticks in my memory was when he was explaining the color scheme of playground equipment to me, as a 10 year old I didn’t really care.  He explained that everything would be red, green and white.  After a brief pause he said there was a large Mexican community who would use the park and he thought they would like that.  I remember him smiling an at the time I didn’t really know why but it dawned on me in later years that he always built parks for people to use and that by making it those colors he hoped to make it welcoming to the community. My dad always made it a point to know his audience. As a kid I was his date to many a city function.  He could work a room like no one I have ever seen; he gave me my first lesson in it.  Dad knew everyone’s name, what they did and information about their families. At home dad was more on the reserved side.  He loved to sit on his lazy boy with the dog on his lap and watch TV.  Sports, Everyone loves Raymond, Man vs. food, International house hunters just to name a few of his favorites.  In the summers you could always find him cleaning the pool or sitting by it reading.  He loved his golf and when he retired he played 4 days a week.  And growing up every Saturday he would be out in the yard cutting the grass, hosing down the cement, cutting back bushes.  He always said he hated yard work but someone had to do it.  We all knew that secretly he really enjoyed it.  All these things were my dad and so much more.  On looking back at his life I realize that he wasn’t just my dad, he didn’t just belong to me and my family.  He belonged to the city of Vista.  He touched so many people’s lives that he was so much more than just a dad.  In his final days I asked him what he wanted for a funeral.  He said “I want a party at Brengle Terrace Park.  I don’t want people to be sad I just want them to have a good time.  If people want to say something fine, but I just want a party.” Maybe that’s why I didn’t really say anything at his funeral. He just wanted a party and I know I probably would have cried if I had tried to say anything.  I will miss him every day for the rest of my life but in his memory I try and live by what he said.  When it’s my turn to leave this world I hope I can look back on a life of satisfaction just like my dad.

 

 

Come on get happy...

Well 2014 is here.  I can’t say that I will miss 2013.  It wasn’t a bad year (my little girl was born) but it wasn’t’ anything to write home about.  With that being said I’m on to better things this year.  I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions in the traditional sense but I do like to try and focus on things.  This year it is “let go of that which does not serve me”.  I have been thinking a lot about being happy and I have realized that many times I am the reason I am unhappy.  So I want to change that.  We all have things in our lives that stress us and make us mad or unhappy.  I want to try and get rid of as many of those things as possible.  For example I stress about our finances (are we going to be able to pay that bill? Where are we gonna get the money for that? Etc) so instead of freaking out and sending myself into panic mode I am setting up a plan.  I have created a strict budget for us so we know where the money is coming in and where it is going out.  Of course it’s not going to take away all the stress but it’s a good start.  Some other things are I want to let issues with my husband go.  I’m not going to hold a grudge or get upset by the little things.  You know the “why couldn’t you wash your dish?” or “Can’t you put away laundry?”.  All those little things that when you are tired (cuz we have 2 small kids) can turn into a huge fight.  It’s just not worth it anymore.  Or the people in your life who just bring you down.  We all have that friend that visits and leaves you drained.  They are negative and make you start questioning yourself.  I mean why do I hang out with them? I want to be happier.  Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I’m unhappy now I just feel like if I let things go I could be more at peace with myself and those around me.   So that’s it 2014 I’m letting the negative go.  I will try more to focus on the positive and be happy.  I have a wonderful family, a job, a roof over my head and some great friends.  So I encourage anyone reading my blog to try and do the same.  Let’s make this year the year of happiness!

 

 

Merry Christmas Darling...

 Well its Christmas time again.  I love this time of year.  Being around family and friends, parties and giving gifts.  It’s awesome.  I will say tho yesterday I was knocked down a peg.  I was driving home from work listening to Christmas music and thinking about my nephews Christmas pageant that night.  The song “Merry Christmas Darling” came on the radio and I started to sing along.  It’s one of my favorites (especially the Carpenters version).  Before I knew it I was choking back tears trying to sing.  At first it caught me off guard and I thought to myself “why am I so upset?”  I started to think about the words of the song…

 

Merry Christmas Darling

We’re apart that’s true

But I can dream and in my dreams I’m Christmasing with you

 

This Christmas season I am definitely missing my dad. It’s been a little over 2 years since he passed but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I keep thinking of all the things I miss.  For example every year he put up the Christmas lights.  He would make the outline of a tree on the side of the house.  The process usually consisted of one of us girls helping him, it would take forever and there was a lot of cursing.  The year of his passing my husband put up the lights and it took him a fraction of the time.  We were all shocked and a little sad.  I think of how once all his kids were grown he would help my mom clean up on Christmas Eve and go to church with her (even tho he never went when we were kids). I miss singing Christmas carols with him and how he would sing to the dog and change the words.  Don’t get me wrong I have so much to be thankful for and I’m really looking forward to this year and watching James rip open presents, but I just feel like a little bit is missing.  And no amount of holiday cheer is going to bring him back or change my missing him. 

 

I love the song “Merry Christmas Darling” but I think I may not listen to it too much this year.  I will keep it to happy uplifting songs.  But every time I hear it I will think of my dad and wish he were here to see all the holiday cheer.  I do know that wherever he is he is watching and is smiling at his family.

 

 

 

Another sleepless night...

I miss sleep.  It’s as simple as that.  Having 2 young children has robbed me of sleep.  I have never been a great sleeper and for a number of years suffered from some pretty crazy insomnia.  But nothing compares to kids.  From an early age we tried to train James to be a good sleeper and he is.  However lately he has been getting up in the middle of the night.  He wakes up crying and upset which leaves me with 2 options. 1. Calm him down, put him back in his bed and sit with him till he falls back asleep (this can take up to 45 min) or 2. Let him come into bed and sleep with us.  I don’t always have the energy for the first and so I opt for snuggles in bed.  In my2am delirium I think it seems like a good idea but if you have ever slept with a toddler you know they move around like crazy.  Many nights I wake up with his feet in my face or he randomly throws his arms out and hits me.  So needless to say when he comes to bed I either don’t sleep well or land up heading out to the couch. 

 

If dealing with an upset 2 yr old wasn’t enough to ruin my sleep add a 2 month old to the mix.  Beatrice is still getting up every few hours to eat.  If I’m lucky I can get 4 hours consecutively.  During those glorious hours I sleep like the dead.  But as soon as one of the kids starts to fuss my mommy super senses go crazy and wake me up.

 

So one strike against sleep is James, 2 is Beatrice and 3 is my husband.  He snores!!! He didn’t snore when we started dating but over the past 3 years he has started this wonderful habit. I love him but seriously WHAT THE HECK!  He even wakes me up some times when I’m sleeping on the couch.  I love to snuggle with him at night but lately all I want is a room to myself that I can crash in for the night.  If we ever win the lotto I am buying a house with an extra room just for me.  It would have the most comfy bed, Egyptian cotton sheets and soundproof walls. 

 

I feel like a walking zombie most days.  But mamma said there would be days like this…right? I keep looking forward to the day where I can get 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Then again I may not know what to do with myself if I wasn’t tired.  I think maybe I will go to the gym or cook all dinners from scratch or not fall asleep at work.  But who am I kidding I’m not going to get much sleep till the kids are older and even then it’s a crap shoot.  Oh well.  I guess my body will just get use to sleeping less.